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[12 Jan 2007|11:41am] |
Humility
Perpetual quietness of heart.
It is to have no trouble.
It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore;
to wonder at nothing that is done to me,
to feel nothing done against me.
It is to be at rest when nobody praises me,
and when I am blamed or despised,
it is to have a blessed home in myself
where I can go in and shut the door
and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace,
as in a deep sea of calmness,
when all around and about is seeming trouble.
- from a plaque on Dr Bob's desk.
c. 1980 AAWS, Inc., DR BOB and the Good Oldtimers, p. 222
With permission, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
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| .is a dream a lie if it don't come true... |
[21 Dec 2005|01:00pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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bruce springsteen "the river" |
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"We reviewed our fears thoroughly...We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other.
Perhaps there is a better way--we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely upon Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity."
The Big Book, pg. 67-68
I could have used a little more serenity this past week...sometimes it feels like God is throwing things at me that I just can't handle. This weekend there was a fire in my apartment building and for about an hour I was sure my apartment was going to be destroyed. In that hour I was full of the most intense fear I've experienced in a long time (maybe ever) - the kind that left me on the ground, hyperventilating with my head between my legs. Did it occur to me at that moment that God was going to take care of me? Of course not. But that's exactly what happened. My apartment wasn't damaged one bit. And even if it had been, God still would have taken care of me.
The reason I know this is because He always has. I have faced a lot of "calamity" in my life since getting sober, but somehow I have always made it through okay. I got fired from a job, had to move out of my apartment in two days....but people came out of the woodwork to support me and I made it through. I moved to a new town, away from my friends, boyfriend, and sober support system, and started a new job. I thought I would never be happy here, but alas....my life is so full, it is beyond what I could have imagined. Somehow, some way, I am always okay. I never would have planned my life this way had I been in charge, but I am more than happy with the results. And every time something new comes up, my faith in my Higher Power gets stronger and stronger.
I still have a lot of fears about the future...mainly that I won't get what I want or that I'll lose what I have. That's pretty much what all fear is rooted in, one or the other. And this week I've also had to come to terms with the fact that once again, my life has taken a different course than I thought it would a year ago. I have since moved on, but sometimes it's hard to completely let go when you had once imagined and planned your future in a certain way. This week it was made glarlingly apparent that that ship has sailed...and even though I already knew it, it hurt to see it right in front of my face. It brought back a lot of old fears about being alone and not being good enough.
But I have to remember that God knows what He is doing. He hasn't steered me wrong yet. It is only my self-centered fear that blocks me from trusting that. My job in this life is to be the best person that I can be, and God will take care of the rest. I don't need to worry about where I will be in ten years, or even tomorrow. I have to be willing to let go of my "little plans and designs" in order to make room for the plan that God has for me, which as I have learned, is always better than anything I could dream up.
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[16 Sep 2005|11:24am] |
1. Candle In The Wind 1997, Elton John
2. Foolish Games / You Were Meant For Me, Jewel
3. I'll Be Missing You, Puff Daddy and Faith Evans
4. Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton
5. Can't Nobody Hold Me Down, Puff Daddy
6. I Believe I Can Fly, R. Kelly
7. Don't Let Go (Love), En Vogue
8. Return Of The Mack, Mark Morrison (one of my freshman year dormies loved this song and I put it on repeat one night while trying to seduce him)
9. How Do I Live, LeAnn Rimes
10. Wannabe, Spice Girls
11. Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), Backstreet Boys
12. MMMBop, Hanson
13. For You I Will, Monica
14. You Make Me Wanna..., Usher (usher came out of nowhere and everyone friggin loved him!)
15. Bitch, Meredith Brooks
16. Nobody Keith Sweat
17. Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind
18. Barely Breathing, Duncan Sheik
19. Hard To Say I'm Sorry, Az Yet Featuring Peter Cetera
20. Mo Money Mo Problems, Notorious B.I.G. (I can recite every word of biggie's rap in this song)
21. The Freshmen, Verve Pipe
22. I Want You, Savage Garden
23. No Diggity, BLACKstreet Featuring Dr. Dre
24. I Belong To You (Every Time I See Your Face), Rome
25. Hypnotize, Notorious B.I.G.
26. Every Time I Close My Eyes, Babyface
27. In My Bed, Dru Hill
28. Say You'll Be There, Spice Girls
29. Do You Know (What It Takes), Robyn
30. 4 Seasons Of Loneliness, Boyz II Men
31. G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T., Changing Faces
32. Honey, Mariah Carey (they played this video in my dorm dining hall about every 10 minutes)
33. I Believe In You And Me, Whitney Houston
34. Da' Dip, Freaknasty
35. 2 Become 1, Spice Girls
36. All For You, Sister Hazel
37. Cupid, 112
38. Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?, Paula Cole
39. Sunny Came Home, Shawn Colvin
40. It's Your Love, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill (awwwwww this is still a great song)
41. Ooh Aah... Just A Little Bit, Gina G
42. Mouth, Merril Bainbridge
43. All Cried Out, Allure Featuring 112
44. I'm Still In Love With You, New Edition (I LOVE new edition! This was the best comeback - too bad it didn't last)
45. Invisible Man, 98 Degrees
46. Not Tonight, Lil' Kim
47. Look Into My Eyes, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
48. Get It Together, 702
49. All By Myself, Celine Dion
50. It's All Coming Back To Me Now, Celine Dion
51. My Love Is The Shhh!, Somethin' For The People
52. Where Do You Go, No Mercy
53. I Finally Found Someon, Barbra Streisand and Bryan Adams
54. I'll Be, Foxy Brown Featuring Jay-Z (this song reminds me of rallies in high school and my friend eric)
55. If It Makes You Happy , Sheryl Crow
56. Never Make A Promise, Dru Hill
57. When You Love A Woman, Journey
58. Up Jumps Da Boogie, Magoo And Timbaland
59. I Don't Want To / I Love Me Some Him, Toni Braxton
60. Everyday Is A Winding Road, Sheryl Crow
61. Cold Rock A Party, Mc Lyte (yes!)
62. Pony, Ginuwine (do you wanna get nasty bay-bayyyyyyy)
63. Building A Mystery, Sarah McLachlan
64. I Love You Always Forever, Donna Lewis
65. Your Woman, White Town
66. C U When U Get There, Coolio
67. Change The World, Eric Clapton
68. My Baby Daddy, B-Rock and The Bizz
69. Tubthumping, Chumbawamba
70. Gotham City, R. Kelly
71. Last Night, Az Yet
72. ESPN Presents The Jock Jam, Various Artists
73. Big Daddy, Heavy D
74. What About Us, Total
75. Smile, Scarface
76. What's On Tonight, Montell Jordan
77. Secret Garden, Bruce Springsteen
78. The One I Gave My Heart, w Aaliyah
79. Fly Like An Eagle, Seal
80. No Time, Lil' Kim
81. Naked Eye, Luscious Jackson (what ever happened to them?)
82. Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix), Los Del Rio
83. On and On, Erykah Badu
84. Don't Wanna Be A Player, Joe (I'm not a player I just crush a lot)
85. I Shot The Sheriff, Warren G
86. You Should Be Mine (Don't Waste Your Time), Brian McKnight Featuring Mase
87. Don't Cry For Me Argentina, Madonna
88. Someone, SWV
89. Go The Distance, Michael Bolton
90. One More Time, Real McCoy
91. Butta Love, Next
92. Coco Jamboo, Mr. President
93. Twisted, Keith Sweat (Keith Sweat was the ultimate sex music)
94. Barbie Girl, Aqua (me and my dormies called ourselves the "barbie suite" cos we loved this song SO much)
95. When You're Gone / Free To Decide, Cranberries
96. Let Me Clear My Throat, DJ Kool
97. I Like It, Blackout Allstars
98. You're Makin' Me High / Let It Flow, Toni Braxton
99. You Must Love Me, Madonna
100. Let It Go, Ray J
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[16 Aug 2005|01:03pm] |
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I spent my first night in my own apartment last night. I ended up stumbling upon an awesome place downtown, put in an application, and was selected to rent it within 2 days. I signed the lease and got the keys yesterday, and enlisted the help of some male friends for moving.
It is a fabulous 1 bedroom in a downtown Victorian (built in 1846). It's very reminiscent of a San Francisco apartment, as it is long (bedroom on one end, living room on the other). It is also slanted - it's not totally obvious, but once you've been in there a few minutes, you find yourself asking "is it just me, or is this place slanted?" Apparently the house has settled over the years. But this means lower rent for me. I can also walk to just about everything I need, which is awesome. And I'm right across from the Police Department, so I know I'll be safe!
Last night after spending some time unpacking, I took a bath and slept in my bed without earplugs for the first time in nearly 6 months. And even though this place is more expensive than my old room, the fear has dissipated. I feel so peaceful knowing that I have my own home to come home to, and I know that God is going to take care of me.
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| rainy days and mondays |
[09 Aug 2005|12:47pm] |
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I didn't end up getting the studio apartment...I took too long to decide and they gave it away. So I'm living in hell with my roommates, who must sense that I'm going to move out or something, because I swear they are being louder and more inconsiderate than ever. I'm going to keep looking, but it's such a hard process. Luckily Kelly let me sleep at his house on Sunday night and hang out there yesterday until about 11 PM.
This weekend was one of the worst I've had a in a long time...I have been feeling really emotional lately, probably because I was PMSing and not getting good sleep, and I started a new medication which has been wreaking havoc on my body. On top of all that, a bunch of stressful things came up, which just pushed me over the edge into temporary insanity.
First of all, my parents are moving out of our house. They are only moving about an hour and 45 min away from where they live now, but for some reason it is really upsetting me that they are selling the home that I grew up in. They have been talking about it for years, but now they are finally going to do it. I think the fact that I don't have a home right now that I feel safe in is making me feel more upset about my parents moving, because that house has always been a safe place for me to go. I feel really lost. But I also know that what made me feel safe is not the house, but being with my family. And I will have a safe place at their new home, where new memories can be created.
The secondary part of the whole moving thing is that they are selling my baby grand piano. This piano was left to me by my mom's aunt when she died, and I played it pretty much every day until I left for college. In the scheme of things it's not that big of a deal, but this weekend it seemed like a HUGE deal. I kept thinking that I was letting my aunt down by selling it, and that I would regret letting go of this piece of family history. I'm also selfish and I don't want to let go of something that was given to ME. This piano meant a lot to me growing up, and it's not easy to just give it up. My Mom reminded me that my great aunt also got me a Lladro statue (famous Italian guy) from the actual factory in Italy and had Mr. Llado sign it for me. It's of a girl playing the piano. Even more than the piano itself, my great aunt purchased that statue specifically with me in mind, and I will always be able to keep that. My Mom also reminded me that if we were to store the piano, it would probably be ruined. By selling it we are giving another family an opportunity to enjoy it, and the money will help me to get out of my unsafe living situation. I think my aunt would want me to be safe and happy more than she would care about the piano staying in the family.
I also went down to LA this weekend, which had its good and bad moments. Friday night I stayed at Diane's and we hung out and played with my Godson. Isn't he cute? ( luisito loves his nina )
Saturday was Sink with Cali...the weather was horrific. It was so humid. And then of course in the actual venue it was completely unbearable. It was so hot and sticky, it was like being in a sauna. It made it really difficult to enjoy any of the bands there were playing. AND I had spent all this time trying to look cute for all the boys I was going to see there, and the second I walked in the door my hair got all frizzy and I had to put it back. arg.
I got really uncomfortable around 5 o'clock and I busted out of there and went to Joel's. On the way, I called my old sponsor Patty because there was a going away party for her on Sunday and I forgot the flyer that said what time it was at. When I called her, she said "you'll have to call someone else because I don't know anything about it." This pushed me over the edge, because Patty and I have basically been estranged since we stopped working together. Every time I have called her, she has either blown me off and said she doesn't have time to talk to me, or I leave a message and she doesn't call me back. Jennifer told me that Patty had mentioned she was mad at me because I forgot her birthday, but it was a few days after my car accident and I had a few things on my mind. I remembered a couple days later and i called her right away. If she is holding that against me, she has issues. I really thought of Patty as more than just a sponsor. She was like my grandma! She promised that we would still be in touch even though we couldn't work together anymore (which was her idea, not mine), but that didn't happen and I have felt really sad about it. So I started thinking that she didn't even want me at her goodbye party and that maybe I just shouldn't go.
As soon as I got to Joel's I started bawling and couldn't stop for a half hour or so. He laid with me and held me until I felt better, and then we got cleaned up and went to the martyrs meeting. It was great to be there, and I got to see some familiar faces. After the meeting I went back to sink with cali for a little bit to check out Internal Affairs, and then I was over it. I went back to Joel's, we watched SNL, and then went to bed.
Sunday morning I woke up feeling really weird. The side effects from the new medication kept getting worse and worse, and I was feeling dizzy and my vision was blurry. Joel was going to get tattooed, so I went back to sink with cali. But with the way I was feeling, I couldn't stand to be in that room anymore. I went to eat, bought a present for Patty (I decided that I was going to her party even though she hurt my feelings, because I knew that deep down it was the right thing to do), and then just sat in my car and cried for about an hour and a half. I tried to pull myself together to go to the party, but as soon as I walked in, Patty gave me a half-ass hug and told me to go sit down. She blew me off again, and it was more than I could take. I went outside and walked around the parking lot for awhile, and called my mom. I cried on the phone to her about everything, and luckily she is a strong lady and talked me through it. Any resolutions that I've come to about any of this were as a result of my conversation with her. Finally I decided to go into the party again, and it was hard to sit there knowing that there were bad feelings between me and Patty. Watching Patty take pictures with all of her sponsees was especially hard. But after the dinner was over, I went up to her and just said "I don't know if you're mad at me, but I love you anyway, and I'm sad that you're leaving." I also wrote her a really nice card expressing my gratitude for her. It was really hard for me, I but I know it was the best thing I could have done. She has done a lot for me, and I needed to put aside my resentment to be loving toward her and wish her well. It's kind of ironic that she is one of the people that was instrumental in me becoming the kind of person that can do that. So in a way, she prepared me for that situation. In the end she said "god bless you angie" and gave me a big hug goodbye. Which is enough for me to feel like I have some closure in this situation. I'm still sad about it, but at least now I can let go knowing that I cleaned up my side of the street, and I did the right thing.
After saying my goodbyes to everyone at the party, I got a tea latte at the coffee bean for comfort (the guy gave me an extra stamp on my pink card - probably because he could tell I had been crying) and hit the road for home. I went to my apartment, cleaned, and then packed some stuff together and headed over to Kelly's. I am so grateful that despite whatever issues may exist between us, we can be there for each other. It means so much to me that he cares enough to be a safe person for me to go to when I need help.
Yesterday I woke up feeling really shitty, and the whole day I could not even see straight and I was really dizzy. I couldn't keep any food down, and I started twitching and hearing popping noises in my head. Unfortunately there has been a major issue going on at work this week, so I wasn't able to go home early. As soon as I got back to Kelly's, I fell asleep and didn't wake up for 3 hours. After I woke up I felt even worse, and it took everything I had just to sit up. I decided that I was going to stop taking the new medication, because what I was experiencing was exactly what was listed as the potential side effects. Somehow I managed to drive home, and I put my earplugs in and went to sleep.
Today I feel much better, but I'm just tired from all the physical and emotional wear and tear this weekend. I need to nurture myself and recharge. I wish I had my own bathtub so I could take a bubble bath. I should go get a massage. At least I have a queer as folk DVD waiting for me at home...
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[02 Aug 2005|02:20pm] |
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music |
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weezer "el scorcho" |
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my living situation is really stressing me out right now. I had been considering moving in the fall, but then my car accident happened and I had to buy a new car, so the finances aren't really going to allow me to upgrade any time soon.
but saturday night was the night from hell at my apartment. my roommates did what they usually do, which was to come home at 2 AM with a shitload of people and be fucking obnoxious. They woke me up, so I put in my earplugs and tried to ignore it, but they were ridiculously loud and there was no possible way for me to sleep through it. They were also smoking hookah (how lame is that), and I could smell it. I went out there in my pajamas like I always do, and they apologized and promised to be quiet. But they were all drunk (as usual), so they really have no concept of how loud they are being. This time I had to go out there a second time, and by then I was seriously pissed. I was wide awake at 3:30 or so when they decided to go to sleep. I finally fell asleep around 4, only to be woken up around 9 by the whole gang (who had slept in the living room) laughing and making breakfast. I was so livid that I started looking at apartments online, and found a couple that were being shown that day. I decided to go check them out, and one of them happened to be in a building that I really liked. It was huge for a studio, and had a great kitchen and a really cute bathroom. The location was also good. So I filled out an application, and they called me yesterday and want to rent to me. The problem is, I still have to give 30 day notice to my roommates, so I will be paying a total of $1500 in rent for the month of august, plus an $895 dollar security deposit on the new place. PLUS I have my first car payment this month. Shoot me now!!! I do have a $700 security deposit from my current place, but I won't get that back until they find a new roommate. At this point I am not sure which is worse...to continue to live in my frat house apartment, or waste $800 in rent and then pay an additional $100 a month plus utilities for a new place. Is it better to be stressed about money or be stressed about loud roommates?
If I stay in my current place, I could spend money on really making it nice. I have my own private patio that I haven't done anything with except put boxes in it, so I could spruce it up with some plants and lounge chairs and maybe a fountain or something. I was also thinking about getting a cat that just stayed in my room and my patio. That wouldn't be possible in the new place, because they don't allow pets.
But if I stay in the current place, the problem remains...I can't live in a a place that is constantly loud when I need to sleep. Once Fall rolls around, I am going to be insanely busy with work and I won't be able to deal with being woken up in the middle of the night. It's just totally unacceptable. Unless they make some titanium earplugs that can drown out any level of noise, I'm screwed. PLUS they are not just loud at night when I'm trying to sleep, but ALL THE TIME. The one of them plays techno music and the bass echoes through my walls whenever he is home. The other plays this video game involving shooting that he has to have at really unnecessary volume levels so that I feel like the police are shooting at my apartment. I can't even watch TV in my room without turning up the volume really loud because I can't fucking hear it. I have talked to them about this issue time and time again, and I'm afraid it's just something I'm going to either deal with or move out, because they aren't willing to compromise. They don't seem to give a shit.
arrrgh. I hate being stuck like this, between two equally stressful alternatives.
Maybe I should just live in my car. The trunk is big enough to sleep in (I already laid in it just to check), and it has a glow-in-the-dark release handle on the inside, so I could get out.
I could look for different roommates, but who's to say they won't be as bad or worse than the ones I have now? I mean they are not bad guys, they just think they are still in college. At least they are fairly clean (fairly).
I can't wait for the day when I am financially above water and not just barely staying afloat. When I live alone, comfortably, and can afford the things I need to be happy. I don't anticipate ever being rich (if I did I wouldn't have chosen to work in education), but I would at least like to be comfortable and not always stressing about every single fucking thing. And I'd like to be in a position where if things come up unexpectedly (such as needing a new car or needing to move) that I have enough of a savings to be able to handle those things without getting a stress rash.
Maybe I'll become a prostitute. That would make me some easy money.
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[22 Jul 2005|01:40pm] |
I bought a new car last night. I'm very excited, and yet overwhelmed at the thought of buying something that is going to take me five years to pay for. But I guess having my car totalled was a good push, because otherwise I would have kept putting money into an old car. At least this way in five years the car will be mine and it will still have a high value. It means not eating out as much and not spending money on anything I don't need, but that's probably how I should have been living this whole time anyway.
Here's what it looks like:
 My New Corolla S
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[14 Jul 2005|12:31pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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i'm feeling a huge sense of accomplishment today because I was able to fix two major problems by myself last night. On top of the DVD player no longer communicating with the TV, my internet decided not to work properly yesterday. No DVDs and no internet...might as well shoot me! I asked Kelly to come over and help me fix the problems, since he's good at that kind of stuff, but I decided to try myself anyway before he got there.
The DVD player was easy...I took it out to the TV in the living room and hooked it up to make sure the problem wasn't with the DVD player itself. It worked fine, so I tried plugging it back into my TV and it worked! Not sure what the deal is, but hopefully no more problems will occur.
My computer was a bit more stubborn. I did an IP Config and then pinged the DNS (you software guys are probably hating my incorrect usage of terms, but I'm a girly girl so cut me some slack here), and everything looked as it should. I figured it must be resulting from all the stupid spyware my computer keeps collecting, so I ran another SpyBot check and cleaned up what it found. When I restarted the computer, the Internet worked.
So there! I'm a genius. And I'm good for more than just picking out good shades of lipgloss.
And now back to watching QUEER FOLK ASS. (thanks *brad)
*name changed to protect the innocent
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| brushfire fairytales |
[12 Jul 2005|04:48pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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jack johnson |
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despite the major things going on in my life right now, it's the little things that are driving me crazy...
for some reason the connection between my DVD player and TV is no longer working. I didn't touch anything, but all of a sudden no picture comes up on the screen when I play the DVD. I don't know if it's the DVD player or the TV or the cable connecting them, but I'm pissed. I'm in pain and all I want to do is curl up with the boys of Queer as Folk. Regular TV sucks, because there's no hot gay boy ass.
i also realized that MY ass is getting huge. I mean SHIT.
and the rental company gave me a minivan. those things are no fun to drive! I keep forgetting I'm not in my acura, and I feel like I'm going to tip over when I take turns too fast. I'm going to get a bumper sticker that says "if this van is rockin, don't come a knockin."
the good news is that i found a new addiction - a new way to kill time at work. it's called catch27. you all should join. it's basically like collecting and trading baseball cards, only with actual people. the goal is to get the 27 hottest/coolest people in your pack. of course the real goal is just to meet hot people and hook up. and of course you can't go wrong there.
join the bomb squad
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| i'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon |
[11 Jul 2005|02:19pm] |
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so despite the accident, i had a really nice trip to pleasanton. i got to babysit my niece katie, who is great fun now that she is 2 1/2 and she talks up a storm. i also got to spend some time with trevor, devon, and my family. i bought new jeans, saw "war of the worlds," ate lots of my mom's cooking, and went to target (one major thing SB lacks). the accident allowed me to spend 3 more days at home, so although I was in pain, it was nice to relax and have my parents take care of me. kelly also happened to be in the bay area visiting his family, so he came over and brought me really nice flowers on wednesday, and was able to drive me home to SB on saturday since my car is out of commission.
one of the highlights of the trip was playing with the 9 pit bull puppies at trevor's apartment. they were the cutest things ever. i adopted one of them and named her frankie (aka "franks n beans"), but unfortunately i couldn't take her home with me. hopefully whoever ends up really adopting her loves her as much as i would have!
( .puppy heaven. )
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| this world is full of crashing bores |
[11 Jul 2005|12:59pm] |
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music |
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morrissey |
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so i was on my way back to SB from my parents when suddenly one of my back tires blew out. I lost control of the car, slammed going 80 into the center guardrail, spun around and hit the back end of my car in the guardrail, and then spun into oncoming traffic. Luckily I didn't hit anyone and no one hit me, but needless to say it was a pretty traumatic experience. I went via ambulance to the nearest hospital, but I was okay despite some muscle trauma and a panic attack, so they released me about an hour later. I am in a lot of pain now and I've got a bruise in a diagonal line down my chest where my seatbelt was, but no major injuries, thank God. My car on the other hand, is most likely totalled. Luckily I have good insurance, so most of my hospital bills will be paid for, but obviously I will have to get another car. Having a nicer car will be good, but how the heck I'm going to afford it is beyond me. Just when i starting to get my life in order financially...
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| cross my heart and hope to... |
[16 Jun 2005|09:49am] |
last night there was this HUGE spider outside my back door. It was seriously the biggest spider I've ever seen close up. I was planning to buy a blow torch and kill it today, but when I got up it was nowhere to be found. Hopefully that doesn't mean that it's going to end up in my room.
My birthday dinner was so much fun...I can't believe how many people showed up for me. We had two big tables and it was just awesome. I've always wanted a big group of friends...like on 90210. And now I have that...And these are REAL friends (not the kind that steal your boyfriend or abuse diet pills like the Beverly Hills kids). The kind of friends that show up for you on your birthday and are there for you when you need help. I honestly don't know what I would do without AA today...it has made my life better than I could ever have imagined. It has provided me with a support network, a social life, and of course...my sobriety. I wouldn't be alive without this program, let alone having so much fun!
This weekend I'm going to LA to celebrate with "old" friends, and I'm looking forward to that too.
I'm in a place right now where I am doing my best to be in acceptance of my life exactly how it is; in acceptance of myself exactly how I am. It is really tiring to always be worried about the past or the future, and I want to learn how to truly enjoy the present. Cos right now, the present is great.
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| .happy birthday to me. |
[15 Jun 2005|09:21am] |
I'm 26 years old today....last year at this time I was in Paris. But I was alone, and this year I'll be enjoying dinner with a huge group of friends, so I think it will be just as awesome as last year, if not better.
This year has been full of change for me...relapsing, getting sober again, losing a job, moving around for 6 months, moving to Santa Barbara, starting a new job, making a new life. But here I am, happier than I've ever been.
Thanks to God, AA, and all my friends for helping me through the bad times, and teaching me to be grateful for the good times.
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[13 Jun 2005|11:33am] |
I went to magic mountain yesterday for YPAA day...it was amazing! I have only been to magic mountain once, and I was hung over and it was about 115 degrees so I didn't go on anything. Yesterday was fantastic. The longest line we waited in was about 40 minutes, and some rides we pretty much just walked on. Man I love roller coasters! Talk about a natural high. The best one by far was this one right here:
X
I can't even describe it...they have these rotating seats that spin around 360 degrees while you go around the track and through loops. The first drop you are directly facing the ground and you don't see anyone in front of you. The rest of the ride you have no idea where the fuck you are...you're just spinning around like crazy and it is insane! Scream and Goliath were pretty awesome too. I can't wait to go again!
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[09 Jun 2005|11:51am] |
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I never thought I could be this happy. I love my job, I have awesome friends, and all is well with the world.
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[06 Jun 2005|11:36am] |
.characteristics of women (and men) who love too much.
1. Typically, you came from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met.
2. Having received little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a care-giver, especially to people who appear, in some way, needy.
3. Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) you longed for, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable person who you can again try to change, through your love.
4. Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving.
5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the person you are involved with.
6. Accustomed to a lack of love in a personal relationship, you are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please.
7. You are willing to take far more than 50% of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in a relationship.
8. Your self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy. Rather you believe you must earn the right to enjoy life.
9. You have a desperate need to control your loved ones and relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. You mask your efforts to control peeople and situations as "being helpful."
10. In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be than the reality of your situation.
11. You are addicted to loved ones and emotional pain.
12. You may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.
13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself.
14. You may have a tendency towards episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.
15. You are not attracted to people who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such "nice" people boring.
From "women who love too much" by robin norwood.
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| .the aliens. by charles bukowski |
[03 Jun 2005|11:49am] |
you may not believe it
but there are people
who go through life with
very little
friction of distress.
they dress well, sleep well.
they are contented with
their family
life.
they are undisturbed
and often feel
very good.
and when they die
it is an easy death, usually in their
sleep.
you may not believe
it
but such people do
exist.
but i am not one of
them.
oh no, I am not one of them,
I am not even near
to being
one of
them.
but they
are there
and I am
here.
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